I've been terrible about updating this thing over break, yet I've been very effective at spending hours online doing nothing productive. Of course that's assuming that spending hours typing up an entry for an online journal can be considered productive. Regardless of whether it actually is or not, it just feels that way. When all is said and done, it's writing and self-expression. only with the usual voyeurism and anonymous judging that's so prevalent among those of our age and economic class these days.
I've been thinking a lot about things over break. I've had a lot of time to think, as I've mostly just sat around the house until Emily and John mercifully granted me the opportunity to escape to Pittsburgh for a few days. It was a well-timed trip too, as I've been thinking so much about life, dreams, the future, love, etc. It was just so intriguing. Watching them running around the set, lugging around heavy expensive equipment (none of which I theoretically should've been allowed anywhere near), stressing out about the log, sound, lighting and any other detail. And then there was T.C., getting perfectly in character, delivering each line and facial expression meticulously, all without getting paid at all. It all looked so tedious, and anyone watching would immediately know that moviemaking is not the least bit glamorous.
But it was all ok, because they were all happy. Tired, stressed, and broke, but content. There is something to be said for just doing something you love, no matter how small or contained it is. I remember watching T.C. as he stood there on the set in character even when the camera wasn't rolling. Fame and money didn't matter, only doing what he loved did.
Of course, all of this makes me think about my own situation more. In comparison to everyone else, my dreams and passions still feel so scattershot and primordial. And unrealistic, very unrealistic. I wrote a while back I want to be a writer. Well, I also want to travel all over the world, bring about world peace and social justice, and touch hearts. Naive and cliche, all in one. Nice
In struggling with all of this crap about my majors, my future, etc., I've also found myself struggling with every emotional issue that's still eating away at me right now. Lately I've been feeling like they need to be left behind. For years now I've been paranoid about social interactions and haunted by the fact that I have never even kissed a girl on a date. I have always attached a lot of importance to these things, and now I'm beginning to question that. Social awkwardness and isolation from romance are unpleasant fates, but there are much worse ones. Sure there were many amazing people over the course of history, such as monks, nuns, etc., who lived out the same fate and yet led lives far more meaningful than most people can imagine. Why should I worry about such petty things? The things that I worry about and want to change are far larger and more meaningful than the nagging remnants of high school insecurities.
And yet it is these insecurities that make my situation so hard. I have been trying hard to purge myself of years' worth of bitterness and resentment that have built up inside of me and turned into a defensive reflex. I want to truly reach out and give something to the world, instead of becoming an insular and guarded creature who lives on reassurance and social gratification. I just don't know how to let go of this need for romance and companionship. I mentioned this issue along with social interactions because it's so hard to separate the two, especially in today's college culture. It's so hard to want to reach out and touch the world when you sincerely believe that the world will pull away when you do this. How can I truly reach out and do something meaningful, touch someone's heart when I'm invisible to people who I thought would appreciate me, at least give me a second glance? How can you give something you've never received?
This is something I'm having a hard time putting into words, and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to fully articulate it. I just feel, to reference Lennon, "crippled inside". Speaking of John Lennon, maybe the best way to express this is the lyrics to his song "How?". I'm not going to put the lyrics here, find them and read them. I think what I'm feeling is something along those lines, I don't know. I want to reach out and touch someone, yet I've never been touched. I want to establish deep meaningful connections all over the world, and yet I've never had that connection myself. I want to inspire love, something that I've never experienced. This is so utterly painful. I thought that these lofty goals of mine wouldn't require being good looking and charming, but in the end they do. Some people are strong enough, or lucky enough, to be able to completely shed the need for romance. Unfortunately, I'm not one of those, and the absence of romance is eating me away inside. I don't want to settle for someone, I don't want to desperately fling myself at anyone and everyone, I don't want to sink into despair and loneliness over this. I also don't want to grab at people and be chosen by someone who's not right and could never understand me, because bad company is worse than no company. I want the strength to be alone and the ability to free myself from the need of romance. But even this would be settling. I don't want to be consumed by this loneliness, and ignore all the things that matter just because of it. I'm just not sure I can ever truly contribute anything meaningful to this world when I've been empty inside for so long.
I just want my heart to be an inside-out black hole, to just emanate love without ever asking for it in return. To just be nice, friendly and genuine to everyone and never expect it back. To never need or want romance, because it is that yearning that causes me so much pain, because it is yearning for something that I feel I can never have, because I am unattractive on the outside and unremarkable on the inside, and yet I am also arrogant and finicky, and would reject someone who came along if I didn't think she was right for me. I feel as though I am destined to be alone or with someone I like but do not love, while others look right past me. If this one basic thing, romance, so common and familiar in many different forms from lewd to sweet to so many people in the world, is so completely out of my reach, what could possibly be in my reach?
I don't want to live in a fairy tale, I don't need dreams of romance to come true. All I want to is to not live out my life a bitter, resentful and lonely man, a germ who walks the streets and glares and jostles everyone else, just like all the other people whose dreams died inside of them. I want to live. I want to love everyone, I want to be just a humble ray of light in anyone's day, I want to be the type of person who inspires people, who gives them hope for this world after all. Sometimes I think I have something inside of me that makes this all possible, but I just don't know. I just want someone to look into my soul and just prove to me that it's not an empty and frozen wasteland, that there is something there, something beautiful and worth sharing.
