I've figured it all out! My life I mean! Oh, wait, no I haven't.
Anyone who knows me even on the most superficially acquaintance terms is well aware of the fact that I have never been able to confidently decide on a major in my years here at AU. This of course stems from the larger problem that I have no idea what to do with my life.
These past couple of days (weeks, months, years...but for this particularly point, just days) I've been thinking about my current major predicament in the context of, well, pretty much everything.
Of course, a lot of this goes back to...my summer in Egypt. (Didn't see that one coming, did you?) On one hand, it was a big challenge because basically the dynamics of the program were everything that I'm opposed to: a bunch of ignorant, intellectually moribund, alcohol swilling Americans who were not even conscious of the world around them, alienated from the surrounding culture, etc. But aside from all that stuff, it was just a hard environment anyway. It was brutally hot, polluted, congested. All of the little things that I took for granted here: language, being able to take a nice walk, changes in weather, all the stupidest little things were suddenly nowhere to be found.
And then of course, I came back, almost completely convinced that I did not want anything to do with SIS anymore. Although I lost any sort of a summer that had the company of good friends, simple relaxation, or meaningful adventure, I found a new outlet in...myself. Of course it wasn't pretty, judging from incidents such as my almost total social withdrawal during Egypt, my practical inability to even try to order food in Munich or Paris (my eternal props to donar kabobs and crepes. ...and yes, I'll admit it, McDonald's.) But at the same time, I delved into writing and reading (well...one book, but still) in Egypt, I made Munich and Paris somewhat mine, and I feel like I got an inward look that I haven't gotten in a while, despite my best efforts.
So I don't know how I found my way back into SIS. I guess going to AU, it's hard to really avoid it. It really is a strong program, the professors are great for the most part, and there are tons of SIS kids that are just programmed on "maximum idealism and resume building potential." I was already interested in other cultures, I wanted to make some sort of difference in/contribution to the world, and of course the whole 9/11 thing was a big event as well. Yet, it was always exactly that: something I felt like I should be doing, not something I actually wanted to be doing. For every class or person I love in SIS, there's always another that just puts me off to it. But honestly, I'm not sure I was every a fit for the school. I mean, everything we discuss in class, everything we read, everything that comes up that's relevant to my SIS classes, just seems to be so "important". All of the readings talk about the solutions to the "important issues facing the world today", and there's this constant sense of just being part of something so important because I'm studying peace and conflict, democracy, the environment, etc. But I remember struggling through Emerson, Shakespeare, Hardy and Whitman, among others, and no matter how boring or tough it was, I always genuinely felt that I was tuned into something important. What I was reading about just felt important, I didn't need the text or the professor or the people around me to tell me how important and vital the subject was, it seemed to do that on its own. With the creative writing classes too, I got a feeling I never got in any other class. Of course the pressure I put on myself was almost crippling, but yet there was a true sense of pride, that I had truly created something out of those classes, and there was always that pressure and perfectionism that motivated me with creative writing classes in a way that I was never motivated for any other class in quite the same way.
So I already feel alienated and disconnected from my SIS classes all over again. These past couple of weeks, I've caught myself stressing out over where I would apply for an internship, and what I would be able to put on my resume when I graduated (truth be told, I don't even have a resume right now.) Now I find myself stopping and saying to myself "What am I doing? And is this really worth it? Where do I want to be, what do I want to accomplish, and will I get what I want out of life by resume-building, networking, and doing all sorts of impressive things that will accumulate pats on the back?"
I'll arbitrarily end this post now, there have been many ruminations like it, and it could go on forever, and it probably will be continued at a later date. Fall break is approaching, and there will be more free time than I was expecting. Maybe I should use it, for it might be the last time I get a chance to breathe and think before the train starts hurtling forward again.
These past couple of days (weeks, months, years...but for this particularly point, just days) I've been thinking about my current major predicament in the context of, well, pretty much everything.
Of course, a lot of this goes back to...my summer in Egypt. (Didn't see that one coming, did you?) On one hand, it was a big challenge because basically the dynamics of the program were everything that I'm opposed to: a bunch of ignorant, intellectually moribund, alcohol swilling Americans who were not even conscious of the world around them, alienated from the surrounding culture, etc. But aside from all that stuff, it was just a hard environment anyway. It was brutally hot, polluted, congested. All of the little things that I took for granted here: language, being able to take a nice walk, changes in weather, all the stupidest little things were suddenly nowhere to be found.
And then of course, I came back, almost completely convinced that I did not want anything to do with SIS anymore. Although I lost any sort of a summer that had the company of good friends, simple relaxation, or meaningful adventure, I found a new outlet in...myself. Of course it wasn't pretty, judging from incidents such as my almost total social withdrawal during Egypt, my practical inability to even try to order food in Munich or Paris (my eternal props to donar kabobs and crepes. ...and yes, I'll admit it, McDonald's.) But at the same time, I delved into writing and reading (well...one book, but still) in Egypt, I made Munich and Paris somewhat mine, and I feel like I got an inward look that I haven't gotten in a while, despite my best efforts.
So I don't know how I found my way back into SIS. I guess going to AU, it's hard to really avoid it. It really is a strong program, the professors are great for the most part, and there are tons of SIS kids that are just programmed on "maximum idealism and resume building potential." I was already interested in other cultures, I wanted to make some sort of difference in/contribution to the world, and of course the whole 9/11 thing was a big event as well. Yet, it was always exactly that: something I felt like I should be doing, not something I actually wanted to be doing. For every class or person I love in SIS, there's always another that just puts me off to it. But honestly, I'm not sure I was every a fit for the school. I mean, everything we discuss in class, everything we read, everything that comes up that's relevant to my SIS classes, just seems to be so "important". All of the readings talk about the solutions to the "important issues facing the world today", and there's this constant sense of just being part of something so important because I'm studying peace and conflict, democracy, the environment, etc. But I remember struggling through Emerson, Shakespeare, Hardy and Whitman, among others, and no matter how boring or tough it was, I always genuinely felt that I was tuned into something important. What I was reading about just felt important, I didn't need the text or the professor or the people around me to tell me how important and vital the subject was, it seemed to do that on its own. With the creative writing classes too, I got a feeling I never got in any other class. Of course the pressure I put on myself was almost crippling, but yet there was a true sense of pride, that I had truly created something out of those classes, and there was always that pressure and perfectionism that motivated me with creative writing classes in a way that I was never motivated for any other class in quite the same way.
So I already feel alienated and disconnected from my SIS classes all over again. These past couple of weeks, I've caught myself stressing out over where I would apply for an internship, and what I would be able to put on my resume when I graduated (truth be told, I don't even have a resume right now.) Now I find myself stopping and saying to myself "What am I doing? And is this really worth it? Where do I want to be, what do I want to accomplish, and will I get what I want out of life by resume-building, networking, and doing all sorts of impressive things that will accumulate pats on the back?"
I'll arbitrarily end this post now, there have been many ruminations like it, and it could go on forever, and it probably will be continued at a later date. Fall break is approaching, and there will be more free time than I was expecting. Maybe I should use it, for it might be the last time I get a chance to breathe and think before the train starts hurtling forward again.
posted by Justin @ 2:09 AM
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