Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrgghh
I'm so fucked.
Ok, allow me to elaborate. I have this problem where I have tons of lofty and ambitious goals, and absolutely none of the motivation and mental mechanics needed to achieve them. This, of course, manifests itself in many little corners of my life, but the one I'm concerned with right now is class.
I'm taking International Environmental Politics, Senior Seminar in Lit, Intro to Peace and Conflict Resolution, and Democracy and Development. (I'm also still enrolled in Arabic, more on this later.) I love all of these classes, all of the topics are fascinating, and yet, I almost cannot function in them. It is almost impossible for me to do the readings for these classes on any given night, and I stay up so late trying that I am almost catatonic when I actually have the classes the next day, and therefore wholly unable to participate in any meaningful form whatsoever.
So I'm trying to mount another attempt to change that now. It might actually be working. I'm looking at this website for my Environmental Politics class that actually sums up economic globalization while avoiding the mind-rotting tedium that's oh so prevalent in the usual scholarly articles that professors insist on inundating Blackboard with. But I don't know what the professor will expect us to know tomorrow, and since he has a nasty habit of coercing participation by calling out people.
I don't know what the answer is. For years and years, and just as recently as...well, today, I attributed it to laziness, manifested in different ways. It's sort of been the buzzword thrown around my head for as long as I can remember. Bright but not willing to work hard, could do better with more effort, etc. etc. Now I've reached a point where I'm asking: what the hell do you want me to do? I've established the fact that I am interested in learning and putting in effort in doing so. If that weren't the case, why the hell would I be double majoring and doing all this random shit?
Times like this, I wonder what I'm doing at a place like AU, and why I didn't go to a more innovative and less traditional college, in a place where the main expectations weren't social ladder climbing and resume building. I think that's my challenge: recognize that I'm different and have different ambitions, and look for ways to act on that. If only I had any clue how to do that.
And now, this reading. I have to get it done somehow, even if I'm still useless in class tomorrow, I want to feel like I went down swinging at least, and tried to read something. Not only do I have to stay nice and perky for three classes (two morning classes and one afternoon block) I have to withdraw from Arabic and also figure out how to deal with another issue, which I won't go into detail with here. (Hint: IT'S ABOUT A GIRL. Happy now?)
This feels exactly the same as the old blog. Except with different font. Hmmm...
Ok, allow me to elaborate. I have this problem where I have tons of lofty and ambitious goals, and absolutely none of the motivation and mental mechanics needed to achieve them. This, of course, manifests itself in many little corners of my life, but the one I'm concerned with right now is class.
I'm taking International Environmental Politics, Senior Seminar in Lit, Intro to Peace and Conflict Resolution, and Democracy and Development. (I'm also still enrolled in Arabic, more on this later.) I love all of these classes, all of the topics are fascinating, and yet, I almost cannot function in them. It is almost impossible for me to do the readings for these classes on any given night, and I stay up so late trying that I am almost catatonic when I actually have the classes the next day, and therefore wholly unable to participate in any meaningful form whatsoever.
So I'm trying to mount another attempt to change that now. It might actually be working. I'm looking at this website for my Environmental Politics class that actually sums up economic globalization while avoiding the mind-rotting tedium that's oh so prevalent in the usual scholarly articles that professors insist on inundating Blackboard with. But I don't know what the professor will expect us to know tomorrow, and since he has a nasty habit of coercing participation by calling out people.
I don't know what the answer is. For years and years, and just as recently as...well, today, I attributed it to laziness, manifested in different ways. It's sort of been the buzzword thrown around my head for as long as I can remember. Bright but not willing to work hard, could do better with more effort, etc. etc. Now I've reached a point where I'm asking: what the hell do you want me to do? I've established the fact that I am interested in learning and putting in effort in doing so. If that weren't the case, why the hell would I be double majoring and doing all this random shit?
Times like this, I wonder what I'm doing at a place like AU, and why I didn't go to a more innovative and less traditional college, in a place where the main expectations weren't social ladder climbing and resume building. I think that's my challenge: recognize that I'm different and have different ambitions, and look for ways to act on that. If only I had any clue how to do that.
And now, this reading. I have to get it done somehow, even if I'm still useless in class tomorrow, I want to feel like I went down swinging at least, and tried to read something. Not only do I have to stay nice and perky for three classes (two morning classes and one afternoon block) I have to withdraw from Arabic and also figure out how to deal with another issue, which I won't go into detail with here. (Hint: IT'S ABOUT A GIRL. Happy now?)
This feels exactly the same as the old blog. Except with different font. Hmmm...
posted by Justin @ 2:50 AM
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